Anger can be a one-way street. We only see our own perspective. We can fail to see the effect our anger or criticism has on others. It wasn't until my husband confronted me that I was able to step back and see the impact of my words on my son.
Anger can seem justified. We want our children to do better. But our reasoning can obscure the negative and harmful effects of our critical words. Here are some ways to manage anger.
Uplifted
7 Seeing Myself Through My Son
Hello and welcome to Uplifted. My name is Meg Luther Lindholm and I invite you to join me on the journey towards living a more mindful and compassionate life. Today’s step on the journey is called Seeing myself and my son more clearly.
Lately I have been criticizing my son – for lots of things. I want him to go to bed now, to wake up faster, to eat more for breakfast. I want him to focus more on his homework. Why hasn’t he cleaned out the cat litter box and why do I have to constantly remind him not to track dirt from his dirty shoes around the house? I want him to help out more with chores and to sit longer with the family at dinner. You get the point, and I could go on and on.
Each time I pick or chip away at my son I’m only thinking about the problem of the moment. I’m not considering the collective impact of my words on his psyche. I’m not seeing the continual message that says, “you’re not good enough.” The critique in glowing neon tells him that everything about him is wrong.
I can’t say it’s like this every day. If it were it would be insufferable for both of us. There are moments of laughter and of him confiding in me. And of me praising him and telling him I love him. If you ask me if I have a good relationship with my son – I might hesitate for a moment before saying something like - well it’s hard. He’s a teenager after all. He’s moody. He wants to spend all his time gaming with his friends. I’d describe him as the one with the problems. Me? A part of the problem? No. I’m the one trying to keep him on track – to keep him from sliding off the rails. But what if I’m pushing him off the rails?
I couldn’t see myself as anything but helpful until my husband told me in no uncertain terms to lay off. You’re destroying his mental health he said. You have to stop. You have to leave him alone. You nag him about everything. Just let him be. Just tell him you love him.
My first reaction after he gave me this talking to was righteous wrath. How dare he, I thought? He has no idea how much of my time, my energy and my soul I pour into trying to make that boy’s life good. All the things I do for him. Organizing all the activities he loves and then driving him to and from most of them. Connecting with his teachers to ask for their help. Cooking the foods he likes, making his bed. If anything, I do too much for him.
Recently while pushing a shopping cart through the produce aisle at the super-market found myself raging inside thinking about my husband’s words. And then… a little voice inside said – what if he’s right? What if I am too hard on him? What if I am destroying his confidence and his happiness? That little light of insight peeked under the locked door of my resistance. And instead of slamming the door shut again – I decided to keep it open. To look honestly at the sum total of negative messages I’ve been tossing at my son. How my words hurt more than they help.
Let go, my husband says. Don’t focus on what isn’t going right. Let him be who he is. Isn’t that what we all want after all? To be seen and accepted and loved for who we are? He’s not hurting anyone. He’s evolving. And the most important thing for his growing ego is to feel my love.
Sometimes we have to open ourselves to painful waves of truth. They can be hard to hear. They can be hard to bear. They can shatter everything we think we know about ourselves. But if someone makes a point of saying something that is hard to hear- it’s worth paying attention. Try to listen or to reflect afterwards, rather than shutting down. Let go of your guard, your inner defense. Really listen to the critiques that others offer you. They may be the path to growth – to evolving into a better, more loving version of yourself.
Thank you for joining me on this step of the Uplifted journey. I’m Meg Luther Lindholm. You can find this podcast at Upliftedpodcast.com and wherever you find your podcasts. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.